The Existential Crisis of a Teacher

Wow, it's been a long time, VL0 community, but I am back. The universe has been universe’n as I like to say, and it has led me to my next topic of discussion: the existential crisis of a teacher — specifically, my existential crisis.

It sparked on a typical Tuesday, when my mother-in-law said to me, “It’s almost Friday, you can do it.” Now this is not the first time I have heard this, of course. We all say this habitually to ourselves and to colleagues, especially on those difficult days. However, for whatever reason, on that particular Tuesday, this phrase sent me into a whirlwind. I was ruminating about it during my entire 45-minute commute to work. Naturally, the moment my bestie showed up on campus, I broke into her classroom, sat on her couch, and said, “Dude, I’m having an existential crisis!” Was I being slightly dramatic? Yes, but she humored me anyway.

Being me, I went total math teacher.

“How many weeks are in a year?” I asked.

“Fifty-two,” she said.

Not accounting for holidays and vacations (because let’s be real, they don’t count as they are prescribed recovery days, to keep us coming back each year), fifty-two weeks and there are two days each weekend, so 52 x 2 is 104. I live for 104 days out of 365, that is barely over a quarter of the year! Of course, I did not stop there. I went on to calculate the hours and minutes until I realized living for the weekend isn’t enough, and I didn’t accept it as my norm anymore.

My existential crisis did not stop with numbers. It grew, and more thoughts rolled in: where is the joy, anything can happen, what if I don’t make it to Friday, literally?  Every day, I put my life on pause for kids that are not my own. Sidebar: I absolutely love and care for my students; however, at the end of the day, they are not my kids, literally. And that is okay to say because it’s the truth.

Society continuously tries to convince teachers to go above and beyond for their students as if they were their students’ parents. Honestly, that is what’s toxic AF. My job is to teach academics, not to raise other people’s kids.  At 3 pm, we give our students back to their families, so why the unnecessary guilt and stress? Because we, as teachers, have been sold the narrative that if we aren’t sacrificing everything for our students, then we aren’t good teachers.

We do not get paid enough to bring our work home and stress ourselves out into early heart disease. No amount of money would ever be enough for that anyway. In case no one has told you today, your life is more valuable than any number of zeros in a paycheck and any number of students leaving your class proficient in any subject area.

Somewhere between my math spiral and meltdown, I realized this wasn’t just about living for the weekend; it was about boundaries. Boundaries are so important to establish, not only personally, but professionally too. Boundaries are critical to protect our overall health and well-being. So seriously, get into it. We only have one life. What do you want to say about yours?

The overstimulation, student behavior, apathy, and the learning gaps are real and they suck, but they are out of our control. If you can say you gave your students the best you could that day, you were successful because that is all you can do. If you have a growth mindset and continue to learn how to improve your craft, you are doing an excellent job. Now, if you are lying back doing nothing and are just as apathetic as the students, well, now that’s a problem, but that is rarely the case. 

I visit classrooms all the time, and I see every teacher doing their thing and giving their students their all. Now, some teachers give way too much, and I catch them on campus until 6 pm, unpaid, I might add, and I tell them to go home! I am only on campus because I run after-school programs, so I am getting paid, in case anyone is wondering why I was on campus so late to make these observations.

After an exciting journey to the existential crisis black hole, I finally stopped and reflected. Here’s what I realized and what I started doing to get my life right:

• Make it a non-negotiable to have a beautiful day.

• Give what you can afford mentally, physically, and emotionally.

• Pour your energy into what you can control and less into what you can’t.

• When you want to scream, voice level zero, don’t. Just get quiet.

• Invest in earplugs, you’ll thank me later. (Also check out my previous blog about the self-care toolbox)

• Have fun and play!

Let’s break it down.

Make it a non-negotiable to have a beautiful day. I say a beautiful day because there is no expectation, every day is beautiful because you are alive, but beautiful sounds lovely, doesn’t it? With this intention, we are welcoming all the things the universe has in store, and we are going to choose to focus on the beauty and regulate ourselves through the thorns.

Give what you can afford mentally, physically, and emotionally. We are not robots, and we don’t need to act like it. Take a break when you need to. The curriculum will still be there haunting you, I mean waiting for you, so don’t worry. Students learn at their own pace; that is a fact. No amount of running yourself into exhaustion is going to speed that process up. And again, if you aren’t healthy, you are no good to your students anyway.

Pour your energy into what you can control and less into what you can’t. The only person you can control in this world is yourself. All you can do is set the expectations and follow your routine in holding them accountable. The rest is up to the students, and you can’t take that learning opportunity from them. They need to learn accountability. Some will learn the easier way because they have a similar structure at home. Unfortunately, others will have a more difficult path to learn that lesson because they don’t have that structure at home. Again, that part is out of your control, but being consistent is.

When you want to scream “voice level zero,” don’t. If you just stop talking and give your class the stare, eventually the class will get the memo, and you get to keep your sanity. Then remind them calmly, because you deserve your peace, restate the expectation, and if you have a consequence for frequent disruptions, give it. Then, when they throw a fit, because they will, remind them that it was their choice. They could’ve met the expectation, but they chose not to, and as a result, this is what it is. Next time, get your life right, as I like to say.

Invest in earplugs, you’ll thank me later. Earplugs equal peace. That is all I have to say about that. You can still hear, but not at the frequency that will have you ready to crash out (earplugs are not 6-7 proof, unfortunately).

Have fun and play! This is just what life is about, pure joy. Give your students opportunities to just mess around and play, then sit back and watch. It will fill your cup and warm your heart to see the smiles and hear the laughter. Then join them!

These lessons changed everything. When I applied those lessons, I had days I thoroughly enjoyed and didn’t feel the need to look forward to the weekend anymore because each day was beautiful.

I remember telling my best friend in the parking lot, “You know what, my kids were actually a delight this week.”

Which then led me to think to myself: was it me, was I the problem? Low-key, yes, I was. My mood totally rubbed off on my students…My bad. Not only did my mood rub off on my students, but I also set the tone for myself to have a bad day. I'm sure some of you were turned off by that statement, but can you really control anyone other than yourself? Isn’t that what we tell our students? It isn’t toxic to take accountability for things that we have control over. At the end of the day, we are in control of ourselves, and that is it. What we focus on is what we get more of. This isn't perfect, but as we know, life isn't perfect, neither is teaching. We are human beings at the end of the day, and this profession is so unique in its ability to make us forget that.

That's why I write this way — for teachers, as a human being, not for test scores. This isn't for professional development or to increase student achievement. This is a reminder

that we are human. We matter. Our quality of life both in and outside of the classroom matters too. When we set boundaries to protect our peace and reclaim our joy, we become better human beings and naturally better teachers. Not because we are staying until 6 pm, working over the weekend, screaming voice level zero until we crash out, but because we are present and whole.

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